What makes a bad sex story the worst sex story, particularly when you've received 900 submissions of them in a matter of hours? There is so much disappointing virginity loss, so many intrusive animals or parents, untold semi-public sex encounters foiled by police. There are many UTIs, though maybe only one involved orange squirting. Surprise anal probably could be its own anthology, as could "ejaculate in unexpected places." (Eyes. Ears. Emitted from one's nose mid-giggle.) So much of it is lubricated or utterly spoiled by alcohol.
But the below 10 stories managed to make even those sexual misadventures pale. When we vote later today, it will be a brutal choice among herculean feats of awful sex. But not as brutal as actually experiencing it.
1. The Unexpected Exclamation. While the man who wanted to be called Clifford the Big Red Dog — doggie style, get it? — during sex was a strong contender, as were the ladies staging their own sexual non sequitur contest, it was hard to beat this particular episode of dirty talk, experienced by commenter enidcoleslaw:
I met some guy at a party, and ended up going to his house... Mid-thrust, he started laughing manically and yelled "I am fucking an alien princess! I am fucking an alien princess!" I, far too sober, immediately stopped, and then had to listen to him say, with wide eyes: "your vagina looks like the fridge scene in Ghostbusters." I fell asleep and woke up in the morning to him eating a whole key lime pie in bed. Not even looking over at me, he said: "you can't have any." I walked home.
2. Bent Out Of Shape. There were many physical contortions and injuries that hurt to read about, but even for a lady, this one was most painful, from commenter Jeremy:
While riding me cowgirl, an ex bounced up too high, I partially slid out, she came back down and my penis kinked in the middle, to the left. I felt the snap echo through my entire body.
Horrible screams. A shame, it was pretty fun up until that point.
It stayed like that for nearly a year when one day it miraculously straightened itself.
3. The Full Release. It would be easy to stack the finalists entirely with sheer gross-outs, but not everything can be about poop. (Or vomit. Or pee.) But it can sometimes! Via email:
I was fifteen. My first boyfriend had talked me into giving him a blowjob, his and my first one. After some hesitation, I began and everything seemed to be going as he described it would be. Half way through, I noticed my chest felt really warm and wet. I looked down and to my horror, there was an indescribable amount of diarrhea covering my white shirt. To this day, I'm not sure what happened. Of course the real fun part was when I had to left my t-shirt over my head to get it off.
4. The Brass Ring. Never again will we doubt whether Farrelly brothers-style slapstick ever happens in real life. Commenter interrobanggirl gets bonus points for urination add-on.
It was the first time I had sex with this guy, and he was hitting it from behind on his big brass bed. At one point, I was getting tired, so I went to turn my head to make eye contact (I had read that that made guys crazy) and I realized that my head was stuck between the brass posts. I was like a kid in a banister, and kept imagining firemen having to save me. My date sure couldn't save me - he, in fact, laughed so hard that he peed on the floor.
Read more at Jezebel.