If you ask any single person what they look for in a partner, they will often say that they want someone with a sense of humour. Indeed, humour and playfulness can help lighten things up and build a sense of connection. Used skillfully and respectfully, a little lighthearted humour can quickly turn conflict and tension into an opportunity for shared fun and intimacy.
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However, like any tool, humour can be used in negative as well as positive ways. There is such a thing as mean spirited humour which can damage a relationship. Do not mask bad feelings with ‘humour’.
When being humorous:
1. Be sensitive to the other person. If your partner isn’t likely to appreciate the joke, don’t say or do it, even if it’s "all in good fun.”When the joking is one-sided it can damage the relationship.
2. Watch for body language. If your partner is not appreciating or enjoying your attempts at humour, his smile may seem fake or forced. Or he will start leaning away from you.
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3. Avoid being hurtful. Saying something hurtful or insulting to your partner, even as a joke, will alienate the other person. Remember, just because it’s funny, doesn’t make it right. Generally, self deprecating humour works best. Poke fun at yourself to lighten a situation.
4. Create couple jokes. A couple joke is something that only the two of you understand, like an inside joke. It can often be reduced to a word or short phrase that reminds you both of a funny incident or amusing story, and is usually guaranteed to generate a smile or laugh from the other person. When you and your partner are the only ones “in” on the joke, it can create intimacy and draw you together.
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5. Don’t be afraid to look silly. Remember, you’re not trying to impress or entertain your partner, but simply to lighten up and make the two of you more relaxed. Goof around, prank each other and be silly like a kid. It can lower your partner’s defenses, relieve tension, and help you to smooth over differences.
Life is serious enough as it is, so humour can be great for relationships. Just be wary that you aren’t using humour as a disguise of more sinister feelings.