I always think people will leave before me, especially in a relationship. It’s difficult for me to believe in forever when there are uncertainties and eventually, death.
And I’m so scared of being hurt - of people leaving me first, so would I look for the easiest way out, which is to end things first before it gets out of control. I always prepare myself for the worst. It's no wonder I’m always that miserable.
That was then, my thinking has changed now.
Previously I used to think a relationship is when both parties get together, have fun and enjoy life. Now I've learnt that a relationship is when both parties learn about each another, compromise, make sacrifices, and enjoy the good and the BAD times together. I really hate the bad times but it is life.
After S, I had this mentality that my next relationship will not end well because I’m not good enough. Because I’m not a good lover, I’m selfish; I take things and people for granted. I don’t want to settle down, I want to have fun, build my career, save a lot of money and travel around.
I’m only 25. There are still so many things I haven’t done yet nor accomplished. That is why I say I am selfish. Everyone has their own way of living. I don’t want to think about money again. It’s tiring.
Going forward, I will graduate and get a new job. I don’t know who I will meet, but I’m almost 100% sure that I won’t meet someone as nice as S. No la cannot like that say, I think I will. For now, I don’t want to know anyone. It is a tiring process. Don’t think anyone can understand how I think, slapping myself again.
I wonder how people get into different relationships. How do they even get so many exes? Asking me to get to know and learn someone again, trying to live with that person and adapting to his habits is HELL to me. Asking someone to get to know me may be hell to him too LOL. And I realised it’s very hard for me to picture living together with someone for life.
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I tend to think a lot now before really getting to know someone new, but I’ve learnt and grown from my mistakes. If things are meant to happen, it will happen. Don’t look for it, don’t find it because sometimes you get shit in return. And I've learnt that sometimes I will need to make sacrifices and put down my pride. (just not now) I am also learning to love myself more, people make mistakes so I shouldn’t dwell on it further and should move forward. Love myself more, before I can learn to love others and allow others to love me.
OH random but I also realised I’m only interested in older guys, not one or 2 years but 5 and above. Jenn said this could be because I yearn for fatherly love ZZZ. I can click and talk very well with guys my age but I just cannot see us together in the long term. I remember I used to want to be with guys my age but now I just cannot handle it. Quiet and mysterious can be a good thing too.
So yah, enough rambling. I actually feel happy that I have learnt something out of whatever that had happened but also sad that why I didn’t get to learn this earlier. Maybe like what people said, I’m still young and with no actual experiences, but now things have changed.
I've learnt my lesson, and I guess I know what I want, but maybe sometimes it’s the right person at the wrong timing or the right timing but the wrong person. Makes sense right?
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