My Dad is someone who I love dearly… till today I still wondering how have you been Dad? What have you been doing? Why lately you stop appearing in my dreams? Where have you been too? Come and talk to me in my dreams tonight! I miss you badly =”(
This year would mark my Dad 10 year death anniversary.
Till now today, I felt so regrettable of not cherishing at all. Now that everything is too late to be cherished, I am only left to regret. My Dad is also someone that I love and cherish the most.
Close friends of mine, would know that I come from a complicated family and I stand to be a very independent individual, which I consider living on my own means. This is what I want to say about myself.
Back then, my Dad was living alone for more than 5 years. During the 5 years before he passed on, I used to visit him very often. I know that living alone is really very lonely, but he insisted that he wished to stay alone. I know that he’s very upset and hurt about that we are no longer living together…
I have 2 elders brother as well; my dad always felt that he was not good enough for us so he chose not to bother us at all. He chose to keep everything to himself, being unable to share his problems. He could not face us. But I could sense how he felt, as much as I wanted to make time for him, he did not want to. He felt that he doesn’t deserve the nicer way of treatment from us.
At the point of time, I was just only a secondary school student. I couldn’t do much… just that whenever we wanted to see each other, I would go out of my way to make time for him.
He dotes and loves me a lot. Whatever I wanted he would get it for me. But of course I was not to the extent of asking too much. He loved mentioning me to my grandparents, aunties, uncles, my mum and brother.
During this period of time, I knew that he’s has been through a lot. But after a period of time he started to change. He didn’t want to see us, totally avoiding the family. Whenever we wanted to visit him, he would reject us and make lots of excuses. We wanted to talk to him but he was unreachable.
In the end, he chose to end his life by committing suicide. That was how my dad passed away. A lot of people were curious and wondering why, even as for me, I’m still wondering. When he died, how was it that no one knew about it? Only till the police called us, we all rushed over to his place. We were so upset, hurt and disappointed.
Why? Why must/did he go through this? I felt so regrettable that we did not make enough effort to accompany our father. When we were at my dad’s place, I met one of my dad’s close friends at his place, as he lived nearby my dad. He said he was sad to see this happening as well.
My dad called my grandma before the day he committed suicide. My grandma doted and loved my dad a lot too, as he was the elder son. And she went over his place to find my dad and would buy the food that he love to eat without letting us know, my dad didn’t mention anything to us. So my grandma didn’t notice and never expected he will choose to commit suicide the very next day.
I was in TOTAL SHOCK to hear about it, that I broke down in tears. Before the day he died, he told his best friend that I was the one whom he loved and doted the most. Since then, I started to miss him really badly, so badly that I can never find a word to describe the feelings, till today I still think of my Dad and would keep crying for him because I love him too.
I hate myself for the fact, that I would never ever have the chance to take real good care of him anymore.
(There was a time during my Beauty Pageant Contest, that the judges chose this question for me.)
Judges: What is your most regrettable moment in life and what would you do if you could turn back time?
Me: Unfortunately, this incident that has happened to my family, which has caused my Dad to die. If I could turn back time, I wish to have spent it more time with him and be by his side. Dad, I love you and miss you lots. (My eyes were reddish and I almost broke down in tears, but I kept my composure..)
Audience: All kept in silent and were left in shock and “WOW EXPRESSION”)
These past few years I kept thinking about my Dad, missing him a lot. He used to keep appearing in my dreams, telling me how much he loved us and missed us. It’s just like he’s actually besides me watching over me and protecting me, keep talking with me whenever I’m in my dreams. All memorable images are at my old house, when I was a little girl together with my brother, my mum and my dad… I don’t have much pictures of my Dad…
But I would like to say I love you Dad and how I wish you are still around and we would have a good time together celebrating father day with you.